Read Reid's Blog

December 22, 2005

Jenny just quickly commented on how I do write this blog, perhaps unconsciously or consciously, for a selective audience.  The fact that its online means I have inevitably self censored a lot of things and or feelings.  I’ve lately been thinking a lot about continuing this blog – if its useful or worthwhile to update what happened in my life everyday.  I really want to think outloud about this issue, because I’ve already come to some conclusions about what I want the future of this Xanga to be, and I hope working through it will make sense to those who read this.

I started this blog for two purposes.  First, it was a way for high school friends to keep up with what I was up to at Stanford.  It was especially important for me and Andrea, since we were about to embark on a long-distance relationship and this was a way for us to stay connected.  Secondly, I had a conversation with my Grandpa a few months earlier (before Freshman year), and he had asked me if I kept a journal.  At the time I didn’t; he urged me to have one since in his old age, he realized that many years of his life were forgetten without any records of what he had done.  I decided I did not want that to happen to me – I wanted to be able to look back on my life 60 years from now and remember my college years, since they’re the best part of your life, so they say.

So things did go well.  College was a big transition for me and I think when I look back at my blogs from a few years ago I can definitely tell how things have changed.  I like reading about initial comments and fond memories about NSO, the Scavenger Hunt, returning home to St. Louis for Thanksgiving Break, and even about retail life working at Express.  So yeah, thats been nice.  I’ve had a lot of positive memories to record, but I don’t think frustrations have come out when they should have or when I’ve been feeling them.

Since this blog is on public space, anyone has access to it.  Since I have one of those nifty Xtrackers, I do have a good idea of who is reading this (or at least people who have xanga).  And of course I have the regulars, which is nice, but sometimes I have issues with the people who read my Xanga.  I don’t want to complain and complain about something that they might be involved with, for that would probably make me seem annoying as well as make an already bad situation seem even worse.

So I censor things.  I can’t really write about true feelings I have towards SAAAC, my high school friends, life in St. Louis, my college friends, etc.  Without being able to write about something real, I sometimes just cover trivial things about what I ate for lunch or dinner.  And when I look back on this in 60 years, that won’t seem very appealing to me at all.  Who cares if you ate chili for dinner 60 years from now?  I mean maybe it might seem satisfying because I’ll be so frail that I can’t have things with a lot of cholesterol, but c’mon…

Without a real good outlet to write things, I have decided to effectively end daily updates of this blog.

Now it might seem that protected posting would answer some of the aforementioned concerns, but I don’t think that answers the real issue at hand.  This blog was created for two reasons, but the main reason about really having something worthwhile to remember many years from now has been lost in the public forum.  I’d rather write about things in the private, where my eyes only can read.  The fact that protected posts would only allow close friends to read my entries is the problem in general – I can’t be truthful about things I’m going through that involves those people for fear of offending them and that makes me not be myself. 

So that means I will continue a real journal on my own time.  As for this xanga, I think I’ll keep it up for as long as I can or maybe move it to my Stanford account or experiment with Blogger since the layout seems more fluid.  But, I think I do want to post when a situation arises.  When those funny moments happen that’s when I will certainly write something, like most other people do.  And that way, high school friends can still keep up with me. 

Now it seems that since I’ve been saying I can’t write about people close to me seems like I have some major beef going on here.  And yeah, I guess it is true, I won’t deny that.  I don’t want to get into major things here, but I can list a few – questioning why I’m in SAAAC, not wanting to be in St. Louis, worrying about the future, and qualms about what Winter Quarter is going to shape up to be.

I guess if there’s one good thing about Winter Break, its reflection.  Cooking and yard work are two things that have really given me time to think.  Sitting your ass on a riding lawnmower for a few hours really gets your head going.  I suppose that’s been for the better, since I haven’t completely broken down Fall Quarter and thought about what I need to do to make it through the rest of the year. 

I just reread that last sentence.  For your information, I did not fail my classes and I am not depressed.  I’m just being really critical of myself – what direction do I want to take my life?  What should I be doing with my time and is it worth it?  Etcetera. 

One joy I have recently discovered is photography.  Going on photo expeditions with Wilmot has been a definite highlight of Fall quarter and perhaps trading in for a better camera will be an investment in a new passion.  Going outdoors and off of Stanford campus has renewed my appreciation for nature and its unpredictability (ahem – falling off a cliff…well, perhaps my own stupidity too), but again, its really made me think about how joyful it is to reflect upon a picture and discover things about it that you didn’t see when you took it.

So I’ll end with a picture.

This was taken on one of the beaches Wilmot took us to in Santa Cruz.  When I took this picture I really was interested in the mist in the background – after I quickly snapped this photo I started to head towards that area, and as I got closer and closer, the mist seemed further and further away.  I later found out that seeing the mist is somewhat of an illusion since its what it looks like from far away to your eyes.  Guess a more scientific explanation is in order, but since I’m not technie, knowing that it wasn’t there is enough for me.  But now that I look at this picture, I like how there’s a small family near the ocean, doing whatever familes do.  Their small size in comparison to the wide open sky, ocean, and cliffs to the left really pronounce their relationship to the world, in my cheesy opinion.  And at the same time, the sand and stick pile in front of me asks who built it and why.  So thats my amateur analysis in a nutshell.  When it comes down to it, this picture just seems peaceful and quiet, and that’s how I would like to feel now.